You Saw Me Standing Alone…

…Oh wait, wrong kind of moon.

Last night I went to see New Moon, because I am a not so secret Twilight lover. Well, not really, I take the piss out of it a lot, but I really enjoyed the first film…hmm, that sounds like I mean something else, but it was enjoyable in an unexpected way and I laughed a lot. This one had more awkward moments than laugh out loud ones sadly. Just why Bella and Edward need to make so much noise when they kiss is beyond me. I get it, you’re very passionate and Edward would also like to rip your throat out, but do it quietly, it’s just weird. The bits where Edward would pop up and tell her to stop being reckless were amusing though.

I will say that Taylor Lautner was not nearly as annoying as I thought he was going to be, his acting wasn’t as shoddy as last time. And the boy is ripped. But I did feel sorry for him as he spends most of the film in only shorts and is obviously freezing his ass off. That shaking he does when talking to Bella isn’t from heartbreak, it’s the frostbite settling into his nipples. I know that’s how he spends most of the book but jeez, get the kid a coat. (Also, how much of a tease is Bella, really? She very much uses Jacob and basically says ‘I am never going to want you, or choose you, but please don’t go anywhere and don’t stop liking me because if you do I will die’. It’s a really cruel thing to do to a person.) So I am still not quite Team Jacob (even though I was rooting for him in the books), but he wasn’t too bad. I’m not totally Team Edward though either. I am more Team Bella’s dad. Because I am getting old.

I thought the werewolf CGI was pretty lame, but the action bits toward the end were good. I liked the vampire chase and the Volturi fight. Actually I just liked the Volturi full stop. Michael Sheen was loving it, proper playing it up, and he was brilliant. Even Dakota Fanning was good in the tiny bit of screen time she was allowed. If they could cut out some of the loooooong broody bits and awkward ‘romantic’ moments it would be better. Twilight fans would riot, but you’d have a more enjoyable film.

Needs more: Action, Volturi, Wolf Pack, amusing side moments with Bella’s other friends, Cullens.

Needs less: Moping about and depression. I know I know, that’s all the book is about really, and I had a big problem with it there too. If, when I was eighteen, I had been waking up every night screaming and crying after nightmares and spent the days in a fog where I hardly talked and avoided all my friends, my mum would have stepped in and given me a good shake saying ‘OK kid, this stops now.’ After about a week. Bella’s dad lets it go on for what, three months? And then when he finally does say enough is enough she fobs him off with an ‘Oh yeah I am fine now dad I am going shopping tonight with my friend. See, all better!’ Ugh. It’s just stupid and a really bloody bad message to send. If you do not feel like killing yourself after your breakup then you weren’t really in love. But then I’ve never been a fan of Bella, she’s annoying to the nth degree and only becomes interesting towards the end of the last book, which is going to be interesting to see if they do make it into a film.

Hold On Tight, Spidermonkey

Last night I went to see Twilight. I know I know, I am becoming far too invested in the Twilight world. Not really, it just looked like it would be great fun. And it was. I laughed a lot, and my developing cough did not appreciate it. But god were there some really excellent unintentionally funny bits. I swear if you’re looking for a film that doesn’t involve you concentrating all that much, and will make you giggle, but which also, actually, isn’t all that terrible, this could be for you.

I was surprised that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (although still unsure as to why the Guardian gave it four stars). I suppose there’s a lot to cram in (but luckily we lose a lot of the ‘they sat next to each other in science awkwardly’ bits that go on for an age in the book), so if you haven’t read the books and have been living under a rock and don’t know the Bella and Edward story then it’s probably a crash course in it.

None of the Cullens were how I pictured them, although I did quite like Emmett. They all looked so young, which I suppose they are, technically, but that’s not how I pictured them in my head. Rosalie is not nearly beautiful enough, sorry to say. The girl playing Victoria would probably have made a better Rosalie. And Jasper was just frickin comical with his wide eyed ‘oh god, please don’t let me eat anyone’ stare. Not to be controversial, but if Jasper goes rabid at the slightest hint of blood, is it possible a high school isn’t the best place for him? That was way over done, it didn’t need to be so obvious. But it was funny.

Edward’s reaction to Bella when she first walks into class is absolutely comedy gold. Is he going to be sick? Is he going to pass out? Is he horrified? I dunno, but it was priceless. Oh, and the kid playing Jacob Black was a crap actor who is so going to be replaced in the next movie.

The best scene, hands down, is the baseball scene. You’ve got Muse’s Supermassive Black Hole playing over the top while they bound about, doing backflips and climbing trees and whizzing around. And then the baddy vampires show up. It’s brilliant! In the cheesiest way possible. And the bit in the meadow when they just stare at each other, goodness me. I must have missed out on the staring stage when I was a teenager. And I was disappointed with the sparkling, has to be said. I wanted a disco ball effect!

The music is a bit overbearing at times, really heavy handed, as if it’s trying to say ‘this is dramatic, be moved!’ at you. Bah, just calm down. I did like the fight scene though, probably because Bella got beaten up pretty good (ooh did I say that?!). Nah, she was really good at acting the venom bits. But it was more graphic than I had expected, what with Alice jumping on James’s back and ripping his head off. You don’t see the whole thing, but it’s fairly explicit.

Bella has the best Emo line ever near the end of the film, which is something like, Death is painless and beautiful, it’s living that hurts. I wish I could find the real quote. Get a grip woman!

And I finally get the Edward Cullen love. I never did before, never saw the attraction at all for this weird, wooden, non-person. But Robert Pattinson is frickin HOT! Holy crap! Who knew? I’ve seen pictures, I’ve seen interviews, and he just looks so normal and well, not really all that attractive. And then he’s Edward and BAM! I see it. Four books worth of Meyer’s shoddy writing didn’t sell me on him, but 90 minutes of Pattinson did. Well done Sir. He also does two of the songs on the film, which he wrote and performed, and they’re beautiful. So uh, hot and he sings, I may be in trouble.

Oh, I forgot, if sitting through Twilight is something that you would never ever do, but you quite like amusing things with puppets (and not those creepy puppets I posted the other day) then you might like this. Twilight done by puppets. It’s the film in three minutes.

Once this afternoon is over I am DONE with work for this year. I cannot wait. I get to go home and see my family, and just relax and sleep lots. Oh, but of course, I am possibly getting sick. I refuse! I am ignoring the cough and pain in my chest. A cough!? Hah, I laugh at you. I haven’t had a cough in about a decade, bring it on, see how long you last pesky cough. Nope, not gonna happen.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Twilight Saga

I guess it’s time to fess up that I have in fact read all the books in the Twilight series, even though I wasn’t sure I would. I’m definitely a ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ person. Plus, they weren’t too horrendous. Or my brain has been completely numbed to her awfulness. Don’t get me wrong, I still think the first book is pretty weak (as I mentioned here), and tedious until almost the end. And I still don’t really have a clue as to why they’re so successful. But I finished them.

New Moon

Wow. How much depression and angst can you get in one book? Bella’s break down after Edward leaves is pretty hard to get through, mainly because you want to slap her out of it, still. And it annoyed me that her dad waited about four months to do something about it. Bloody hell. And then there was her substituting one boy for another, in the form of Jacob Black. Only he can bring her out of her gloom. My god woman, can you not just be by yourself? Can you not live without a man in your life? Again, pretty lame until the end where there’s actually action.

Eclipse

I’ve kind of already forgotten what happened in this book, even though I finished it about two days ago. Er…other than Edward being overly possessive almost to the point of abusive, I got nothing. Oh, except I wish she’d picked Jacob.

Breaking Dawn

I’m not sure if it’s because I got used to her terrible writing, or if she actually did get better, or had a better editor, but this book seemed much more readable than the others. There was much less of the usual ‘He was so beautiful he looked like an angel/model/statue’ crap that I had to sift through before. Less gag-worthy fluffy language. Also, I think part of that is that we didn’t have to put up with all the school rubbish any more, and it was just about Bella’s life outside of all that. Possibly my age has something to do with this, but that did get old really fast. And there was much more action throughout, what with the wedding and the pregnancy and birth etc. It does dip a little towards the end when waiting for the final showdown, and you could easily cut out the whole ‘Bella gets fake IDs’ plot line and not miss anything.

The birth though…wow. Who is the book aimed at again? Because it was a lot of gore for a teen romance and I found it quite horrific so not sure how others saw that. Ick.

It’s all still very convenient though. Bella not going through the usual new born vampire temptations, being herself immediately, easy easy. And her father’s total acceptance of it, his ‘I don’t need the whole story’ rubbish and not completely freaking out over Jacob being a werewolf. What a load of crap. I kinda feel that Bella should have lost something in all this, had her choice have consequences, have her happiness be bittersweet because of something she gave up in return. But she gets everything she wanted. Everyone gets everything they wanted, and there’s no price to pay. I think the ending would have had much more impact if it wasn’t all so straight forward.

I did like that Bella finally got to be strong in this book. Instead of being the damsel in distress danger magnet that she’d been in the previous books, the one always in need of rescue, she gets to be the one with the power. She gets to fight back, in her own way. That was nice to see.

I didn’t like that Bella was quite prepared to die in the end, not for her family, not for her daughter, but if Edward died. She would be happy to die too, because then she would have nothing else to live for. Bella, you have a CHILD for god’s sake! You have everything to live for. It’s almost as annoying as Padme’s ‘I have lost the will to live’ death in Star Wars. Get a grip!

One thing that I have wondered about is the reaction to the books, mainly in comparison to the Harry Potter ones. People (ok, mainly orthodox Christian groups) have been in uproar over those books, wanting them banned because of their ties to the occult and all that jazz. And yet here we have a tale of a vampire/human romance, a vampire that has killed people, and as far as I can tell, there’s been no issue with kids reading it. Has there? If I had to, I could guess why. It’s written by a Mormon and the main characters wait until they are married until they have sex. It doesn’t matter that she’s still human and he’s not. It doesn’t matter that he could actually have killed her while doing so, or that he did in fact leave her covered in bruises. Nope. They were married and so all is well and good. It teaches youngsters the importance of waiting until you have found the right person, committing yourself to them before you sleep with them, and that’s all that matters. There’s a shedload of violence and death involved, but there’s no premarital sex. It’s all good.

Priorities, good to see they have them.

Anyway, I am done now. The story has come to an end, I survived it. I can stop hiding the covers of my books when I’m on the bus.

Twilight

I finished it. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. Disappointed because it wasn’t actually that bad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all kinds of rubbish, the writing is terrible, the characters often dull and not at all fully fleshed out (does Rosalie even speak once?), but it’s not as dreadful as I was expecting. I thought there would be much more unintentionally humorous things, much more for me to poke fun at and mock. But all in all my main reaction is ‘meh’. Because it’s not so terrible I feel like writing a thousand words on why it should be burned, but neither is it so good I feel the need to gush about it. It’s actually not that much worse than the Point Horror books I read as a teen (though not anywhere near as good as Christopher Pike), so I can understand why it’s being read, I just can’t for the life of me understand why it’s been such a huge hit.

For anyone who has been under a rock for the past year and has missed out on the book and the movie and the hysteria, Twilight is about a young girl, Bella, who moves to Forks, a small Pacific Northwest town, to live with her estranged father while her mother follows her boyfriend (husband?) across the country while he tries to become a baseball star. Great role model you got there Bella. And there she meets Edward, beautiful, stunning, mesmerising (you get the idea) Edward, who happens to be a vampire. And they fall in love. Allegedly passionate all-consuming (read: unhealthy) love. Edward doesn’t prey on humans, and neither do his family, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to, and so Bella is basically one step away from death the whole time. And she’s pretty fine with it, as long as she gets to be near Edward. Being away from Edward is a fate worse than death after all.

What I’ve heard from so many people is that they just couldn’t put it down, even if they thought the writing was terrible and trashy, they still had to read it. I didn’t get that. The first two thirds of this book were a chore to read. I had to force myself to pick it up again. Because nothing happens for an age. And you have to listen to Bella, possibly the most boring narrator in the history of literature (and I’ve read The Remains of the Day for goodness sake!), going on and on about boring things, written in a style that makes you think putting a nail gun to your head would be a better way to spend your day:

“When I got home I unloaded all the groceries…I wrapped potatoes in foil and stuck them in the oven to bake. When I was finished with that I took my bag upstairs. Before starting my homework, I changed into a pair of dry sweats, pulled my damp hair into a ponytail, and checked my email.”

Is anyone still awake? And it goes on and on like that for hundreds of pages. It finally picks up in the last third, although even her discovery of his being a vampire is dull. She’s so damn calm about it, she doesn’t ask any questions, she just accepts it and continues with her boring life. I mean, come on, you’re fine with this, like he just told you he has a bad skin condition or something? You don’t ask immediately how old he is, has he ever killed anyone, or why in god’s name he’s in high school? Oh of course not, because she lurves him. Already, when they’ve had all of two conversations.

I go on and on here, not all of it makes sense I’m sure…

Da Meme

LizSara at If Music Be tagged me with the Book Worm meme. I wouldn’t normally do this, but seeing as my closest book is Twilight (no I am not ashamed!) and anything from that book is bound to amuse, I figured why the hell not? So:

Open the nearest book to page 56. Write out the fifth sentence on that page, and also the next two to five sentences. The CLOSEST BOOK, NOT YOUR FAVORITE, OR MOST INTELLECTUAL!

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.”

This pretty much sums up the writing style of the book. Not sure what to liken Edward to? Say he looks like an angel every time you describe him, no one will mind, the thousandth time you say it won’t grate on your readers’ nerves at all S. Meyer! And if he doesn’t look like an angel then hey, how about a model? In an ad? For hair gel?

Yeah, a review of this will be up at some point I’m sure.

Oh Dear

I caved. I bought Twilight. I cannot stand not knowing what all the fuss is about. I figured there’s no way in hell I’ll actually like it and can mock to my heart’s content. So far, I was not wrong.

I’m not very far in, it only came today and I had a quick read at lunch. The writing is as dire as people said. So bad. I now feel slightly gutted that I threw away all my Point Horror-style teenage writings. I coulda made a fortune! The preface is maybe fifteen lines and I had to read it about six times for my brain to grasp what she was trying to say. It couldn’t take in the clunky language, the hideous sentence structures. Argh! Also ‘he looked pleasantly back at me’ er…is he about to kill you or take you out to lunch? I feel like ‘pleasant’ and ‘friendly’ are so not the right words to be using here. I see what she’s trying to do but…nope, not buying it.

Anyway, I didn’t feel the supposed pull when I had to put it down and go back to work, the word is probably relief, to read something that didn’t make my head ache. I’ll see how it goes, Edward is just about to have some sort of fit in class in reaction to Bella, so that should be fun.

First impressions of Bella? Snore. Also I am hoping there is an actual explanation as to why these vampires are living in small town America and still going to high school. Why would you? Would you not want to disappear into a city where no one would notice you? Would getting an education surrounded by people decades younger than you are really hold that much appeal? I am on the edge of my seat to know. Well, not really, but at least something about this dross is slightly intriguing.