Rock of Ages

Last week I went to see the West End musical Rock of Ages. It’s taken me this long to get my thoughts together, and even now I am not sure I’ll be able to do it justice. I’m just not sure if it was any good. Or if, in fact, it was a masterpiece (no, actually, I am pretty sure it wasn’t that), or great campy fun, or mostly a bit shit, or really just flat out offensive. This is what happens when you go to see a show based purely on what songs are going to be in it, and don’t bother to look at the actual plot. Here I can save you that mistake:

A struggling musician (Drew) meets a struggling actress (Sherrie) on the Sunset Strip at some point in the 1980s. They both work in a bar owned by Dennis Dupree (who seems to be stuck in hippie land), develop feelings for each other based on one lame conversation, but end up in the Friend Zone. She sleeps with a rocker (Stacee Jaxx), Drew gets mad, they both make bad career choices and go their separate ways. And there are strippers. And Germans. Protests. Angels. We Built This City. White Snake. A host of other 80s songs and a random award-giving moment. Just when you think it can’t get any crazier a man rips off his suit and does a Jane Fonda routine.

The main problem I had was the offensiveness. I know it’s set in the 80s and therefore we should excuse all this because ‘we didn’t know any better’ (or at least that’s what I assume they’re going for), but it goes from bits I just rolled my eyes at to points where I wasn’t sure if walking out would be the best thing to do. Firstly, there’s the women. So, we’re on the Sunset Strip, it’s not going to be all squeaky clean, but every single one of them is in teeny tiny underwear and writhing across anything that’s stationary (oh I suppose there is one woman who isn’t, the protestor, who is also oddly a hippie). Have you seen Bring It On? You know the bit where they’re doing the tryouts and that girl in red leather hot pants comes in and kicks off her shoes and then shoves her butt in that male cheerleader’s face? Every woman dresses and moves like that in this show. And then there’s the Germans, who are stereotyped to the point of farce, with one who reminded me of Serge from Beverly Hills Cop, but not quite as fabulous. Only remember, he’s not gay, he’s just German.

There is a truly horrible bit where Drew and Sherrie are on a picnic, just before they hit the Friend Zone, and Sherrie is just sitting talking, and the narrator says ‘She may be saying that, but what she’s really thinking is this!’ And up jumps Sherrie, ripping off her shirt to writhe across the hood of Drew’s car like Jessica Simpson and then dry humps Drew’s leg. I don’t care if this is the 80′s, can we not continue to send the message that what a woman says and what a woman means are not the same thing? That actually she is begging for it 24/7? Or, later, that if a rock star acts lonely and misunderstood she will shag him in a bathroom stall, because she’s just that stupid? The women do not get a good rap in this show. It felt like it was written by a 15 year old boy. Or a 40 year old man who can’t get over being a 15 year old boy.

And then there’s the continued randomness of it all. The award moment for one, and at times people showed up in the chorus line I swear we’d never seen, often dressed in bizarre costumes that had nothing to do with the plot. Like the English policeman and the clown/John Wayne Gacey. I went positively hysterical at one point when Dennis and Lonny share a moment over a smoke machine that takes them on a tour of various landmarks. I think my brain had got to the point where it just did not know how to process everything any more, or whether my body wanted to laugh or cry, so it did both. This show is everything AND the kitchen sink, and it doesn’t just break the fourth wall, it breaks ALL THE WALLS! I did however quite enjoy my ‘lighter’ I got on entry to wave when the sad songs played. But basically this is a ‘story’ that has been thrown together much like Mamma Mia!, written to fit around the songs, but with Bon Jovi instead of Abba.

OK, so…good stuff? Even though he was kind of the biggest culprit when it came to being offensive, I sort of loved the narrator, Lonny. The guy playing him was obviously having the best time, and he did get to do some genuinely funny bits. He had a good voice and moves and was definitely entertaining. And the guy playing Drew had a phenomenal voice. The cast did a brilliant version of Here I Go Again on My Own, which almost made the whole thing worthwhile.

I did not like Sherrie though. It’s hard to when she’s blonde and perky and has a squeaky voice and no personality to speak of, dressed up in tiny outfits. She’s given almost nothing to do except gyrate. I imagine I am supposed to feel sorry for her at certain points in the show, but I just couldn’t find it in me. Oh, and all the American accents, as is usual with West End shows it seems, were DREADFUL.

I obviously can’t call this a ringing endorsement, but I wouldn’t say you should definitely not go and see it. Most of the audience seemed to be having a brilliant time. I’m just not convinced.

This Post Goes Nowhere

• Last week I went to see Wicked, the musical, and although I enjoyed it and liked it much more than the book (story-wise I mean), it didn’t rock my world. Which is a shame. Still, very entertaining. Both leads were very good, although more so individually, since when they sang together I found their voices didn’t really mesh well. And when the chorus was singing it was very hard to tell what they were saying, it was just noise. The set was really good though, and everyone in the cast was excellent. My ice cream however was a bit of a disappointing rip-off.

• Lost has started up again. I think it may take me a while to get back into it, as I wasn’t feeling very invested. Also, Sawyer is getting fat. Not that this has anything to do with me being invested, since he was never a favourite of mine really, it is just something I noticed.

• I’ve been watching BSG again and had a proper marathon over the weekend. I had forgotten how awesome the second season is, really, it’s fantastic. When Pegasus shows up? Those episodes rock. As does the finale.

• I’m sure I had something else of slight interest to say…and yet I have no idea what it was. That’s annoying.

• Oh yeah! It was more boring weather talk about how we have had snow again. Pathetic little flurries of snow and yet I get all giddy about it. Or fed up, in case it shuts down our whole transport system again. It has stopped now.

• Yeesh this was exciting, wasn’t it?

Frailty, Thy Name is Woman

I went to see Hamlet last night. And I have a confession which may lower your opinion of me somewhat, especially if you’re into theatre or Shakespeare: I left at the interval.

I know, I know, that’s terrible, but I just could not face sitting in that uncomfortable seat for one more minute, let alone another hour+. I always forget when I go to the theatre that the seats were made back when people were midgets, so you sit there with your knees up around your chin and pain shooting down your back. No fun. Usually I can ignore it, but that on top of being starving, ridiculously exhausted (which may have been because of the play, who knows? It seemed especially soporific) and surrounded by a group of teenagers obviously studying Hamlet at school and who could not sit still if you paid them, or keep quiet, made staying seem like a form of torture. Plus the woman next to me was very annoyed by the presence of the teens, and kept muttering things like ‘move your head’ and ‘piss off!’ in a very disgrunted manner. Look love, if they’re that annoying, at least ask them politely to move first before you go to full on pissed off mode. And she smelled.

The play itself…wasn’t all that. After reading the reviews of Tennant versus his understudy Bennett, I feel like I have missed out somewhat. I mean, it must be a very difficult role to take over, I understand that, and he was very capable I’m sure, but he E-NUN-CI-AT-ED. Every. Single. Syllable. In a very clipped, proper accent and I found it really jarring and I couldn’t allow myself to disappear into the language because of it. He did better in the scenes that allowed him to loosen up a little, and poke fun, but the serious stuff was very heavy handed. And later I had trouble hearing him. His voiced dipped and I couldn’t understand him at all. I was way up in the balcony and although he’d been fine up until then, I really struggled for a while to follow what was going on.

And what of Uncle Patrick? Well, I was surprised. The best word I have to describe him is hammy. Think of something like a National Lampoon’s version of Shakespeare, and getting some famous Shakesparean actor in to completely overplay a part, taking the piss out of himself, that’s what Patrick Stewart’s performance was for me. But then I am by no means an expert on these things, and actual critics have raved about it.

There was nothing especially innovative about the play either. Other than being dressed in fairly contemporary clothing, it seemed to me to be a bog standard interpretation of Hamlet. I know they’ve moved some scenes about and reworked it a little, but none of it seemed to add anything to it. It lacked any kind of emotional resonance at all.

And so I weighed up my options; did I want to stay there in discomfort and see the end, see if it got any better, or did I want to go home, have something to eat and fall into bed? I have read Hamlet, I know how it ends. Food and bed won. And I’m fairly sure they were more enjoyable. Don’t hate me.

Big Baby

Remember how I was going to see David Tennant be Hamlet tonight, and how excited I was about that?

Yeah so…Tennant is out. Not back til after Christmas. He has a very poorly back.

This morning I was all very Zen and ‘Oh I will enjoy it anyway’ and scoffing of the quotes on news websites saying ‘Our lives have been RUINED!’ (Because, come on, it’s not just about him people. Get a grip.) And Patrick Stewart is in it still, so that’s good.

But now, for about three minutes, I’m going to allow myself to do this:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It is not FAIR! I wanna see him be Hamlet!

Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck fuck.

Deep breath.

So, um…I’m done now.

Misc

• Last night I went to see La Clique again. It was just as good as last time. We got there early and edged our way to the front of the queue so we got to sit on the front row! It was nice too because one of the acts had changed so I hadn’t seen the whole thing before. It was this kooky singer who was lovely and wacky and had a fantastic voice. She was like a mix of Dita von Teese and Meg Tilly. Her name is Camille and she’ll be at the Roundhouse in January so I might check that out.

And the bath man. Ah the bath man. Still beautiful. Sitting on the front means you have to sit under plastic sheeting so you don’t get soaked. It was all I could do not to reach up and touch his feet as they swung over me, or get up and get in the bath with him. Might have spoiled it for everyone though…I would like to marry him and have his babies. Actually, scratch the babies. I would like to marry him and have him do his bath act for me every night. Now there’s a secret to a long lasting marriage.

And we saw famous people! Zoe Wanamaker sat across from us and her reactions were often as amusing as the acts themselves. She’s got a great laugh, and snorts a lot. And Tony Robinson sat behind us with a young lady who I initially thought must be his daughter/granddaughter but Kat said they were holding hands in a decidedly non-related kind of way. Oh my.

So yes, I would quite like to join this circus and run away with them on their travels. I bet it would be an adventure. I just don’t have any talent. I need a talent. Can I have yours?

• I am going to see Hamlet tomorrow but of course David Tennant has a back injury and may have to pull out. I’m sorry you are not well David but I will be mightily disappointed if you are not there!

• Have I mentioned before how much I love the book The Girls by Lori Lansens? I just read it for the second time and it made me cry again. So well written. Go read it.

Be Still My Heart

La Clique was fabulous! I am not kidding, just brilliant from start to finish and if you are in London you MUST go!

I could tell you about the English Gents who did sort of strong man acrobatics in which one stood on his head. No, not his own head, the other guy’s head, with his feet, stood up! (Just go watch it, it’ll make sense). They looked good in their Union Jack pants (underwear for the Yanks in the audience). I could tell you about the woman who swallowed scissors and, er, other household objects; the sultry and beautiful hula-hoop girl; the contortionist who made viewing him seem like an endurance test (I did feel slightly sick at one point. How does one do that with their body!); and the woman magician who made her clothes disappear (that was slightly surprising I can tell you). I could tell you about Mario, Queen of the Circus, the juggler who is Freddie Mercury’s biggest fan. But what I really have to say is this:

Oh. Holy Mother. Of God.

Glad that’s out of my system. Why did it need to be said? Two words. David O’Mer. (Or does that count as three? Never mind) Picture this: There’s a bath. With water in. The lights are low, there’s a sexy song playing which I cannot find and which belongs on my MP3 player asap! (EDIT: It’s In the Dark by Manhattan Transfer)  He wears only blue jeans. Two leather straps hang over the bath. He entwines his arms and legs around them and then…spins, and does acrobatic gymnastic type moves above the bath, spraying water everywhere, and then coyly goes back into the bath before returning for more. Look, I know that probably sounds like the most ridiculous thing ever, but trust me, it’s not. This man is beautiful. I have never had such a reaction to a man in my life. I felt like a woman in the 1800s in need of vapours. My jaw was on the floor for the majority of the evening, but I think here I was drooling.

Anyway, enough of that. It was just brilliant entertainment, funny and shocking and many other things. I was amused by a few old folks in the audience. And by old I mean, could have been a First World War veteran old. I don’t know if they came with their eyes open or if it wasn’t at all what they were expecting, but they were pretty game and joined in. Also, another old dude who seemed to be on his own, stood up and did the ‘We Are the Champions’ arm wave, and then happily went back to his pot of ice cream.

Oh, and if you do go, make sure you get seats on the Floor, and get there early to get a front row seat. You won’t regret it, promise.

I will leave you with this:

Everything and the Kitchen Sink

Last night I saw Monkey: Journey to the West. Wiki can probably do the plot more justice than I can, but here’s the gist:

Monkey is born from a stone egg. He becomes sad at the thought of dying and so goes off in search of the answer to immortality. His selfish ways get him in trouble and he is imprisoned for 500 years. He is released on the condition he will protect Tripitaka on his quest to find ancient scrolls (hence the journey bit), and they are joined by Pigsy and Sandy, plus the poor soul who had to be dressed as a horse for the duration. I’m assuming he was the untalented one? And there are adventures in undersea worlds and volcanoes, and battles with spider women and skeleton demons.

Pigsy, Tripitaka and Sandy

I had no real idea what to expect when going into this. I’d looked at the website briefly and read some of the reviews which raved about it. I am not as blown away, must be said. It is visually stunning. I can’t really put into words how much time and effort must have gone into making this production. There are something like 50+ cast members, all in amazing makeup and costumes. The set pieces are beautiful, there are video sections based on the cartoon, even the lighting is fantastic. The performers are ridiculously talented, with contortionists, dancers, martial arts, you name it they can do it, and there was hardly a misstep throughout the whole show, which is some feat considering what goes on.

Monkey fights Pigsy. Is cocky while doing so

So why can’t I rave about it? Well, there is so much going on, it’s difficult to take it all in. Not only do you have all of the above, but also plate spinning, unicyclists and rollerbladers. Every time you think you’ve seen everything, something else comes along. Simplicity is not the word. Also, it is all done in Chinese. It’s lovely, to begin with, and I can see why they did it, and it adds to authenticity. But. Chinese means subtitles. And so you’ve got all these beautiful set pieces and actors and acrobats going on, but you can’t watch it all, because you have to keep an eye on the subtitles to follow it (subtitles which, on occasion, went too fast or disappeared altogether). I gave up reading it during the songs, and just listened, because the words added nothing to the story, or the feel of the show, and were often just ‘Beautiful hill tops, oh how you glow, I am on a long journey, we must do away with regret.’ Totally made that up, but you get the idea.

Volcano scene

Another problem I had, a big one too for me, I just did not like Monkey. At all. He was supposed to be cheeky (ha, cheeky monkey) and I guess fun, but I just found him annoying. Really annoying. I thought in the beginning that he would change halfway through, you know, the usual epiphany sort of thing. But no. He’s just the same at the end as he was at the beginning. He’s selfish and arrogant and instead of getting taken down a peg or two, he’s basically rewarded with gifts. I would have liked him to have a better punishment than the imprisonment. He never seemed to learn anything from his actions. Hmm. Possibly I have missed something.

Big Buddha

So what did I like? As I said, amazing production and performances. I loved the sea palace and the floating star fish (hee). The volcano scene was wonderful, as was the spider woman. This had three women hanging from the ceiling by cloth, almost as if they were in a cocoon, and doing sort of trapeze acts. I am sure it has a name and I just don’t know it, but it was beautiful. The second half was definitely better than the first, and the ending dazzled with about fifteen women doing contortions and acrobatics, whilst spinning plates! I guess just spinning plates wasn’t exciting enough?

Plate spinning spectacular

In the end, the main problem I had was that, though it was visually stunning, it still lacked something. I was never completely taken in by it, very firmly in the audience, never lost in the moment. It lacked heart.

Still, if you do decide to go and see it, I strongly suggest getting seats in the middle, as much as you can. Had we been in our original seats we would have missed out on a lot, and even though we were moved in a little, there was still much we couldn’t see.

Oh What a Night!

Yes, I should be in bed. No, I should not just have had a cup of tea, as it will not help me sleep, but I was hungry, and who can have toast without tea? Uncivilised people, that’s who. Anyway, I am all happy and singy and dancey (possibly not words but hey, it’s late) because I’ve been to see Jersey Boys. Wow. It’s fab!

I was a bit unsure at the start because it was a little slow, but it picked up and then the songs kicked off and it was brilliant. The whole production…the set pieces (loved what they did with cameras and putting them up on screen like they were on TV), music, the cast. I mean, it must be pretty hard to find someone who looks and sounds like Frankie Valli. He’s played by Ryan Molloy, and Bob Gaudio is played by Stephen Ashfield. They were my favourites, has to be said (and I love that they have websites), but the other two main cast were really good too. It’s possible if you’re from New Jersey their accents may not ring exactly true, but that’s just being nitpicky. I didn’t mind at all, they really gave it everything they had.

It was a quiet night, being Wednesday, and so our tickets were upgraded and we were sitting downstairs. I think that’s the closest I’ve been to the stage when seeing a musical. Every time we applauded they looked really surprised and touched, like they weren’t expecting it. Have they had bad audiences in the past? We gave them a standing ovation, and they deserved it, big time. It’s rare I cheer and whoop but I did so tonight.

Also, musicals are very informative. How else would I know the brilliant trivia that Joe Pesci (yes, that Joe Pesci)was instrumental in the forming of the Four Seasons, as he introduced them to Bob Gaudio? Huh. I would know more about this had some stupid woman’s phone not gone off at this point. Honestly. Not only that, but she didn’t know how to turn it off and so was trying to stifle it. Really bad form. You shouldn’t be allowed a phone if you’re going to do things like that.

I am in love with the music and have been singing since I got home. I want their greatest hits please! There are some great tunes in it like Sherry, Big Girls Don’t Cry, Walk Like a Man December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) and My Eyes Adored you which I had never heard but I LOVED it. And especially Can’t Take My Eyes Off You, who knew that was Frankie Valli? Actually there were lots of ‘I didn’t know this was them!’ moments.

So, if you are in London, I just can’t recommend this enough, GO SEE IT! You really won’t regret it.