I Got Ham But I’m Not a Hamster, Part II

I’m assuming there are some serious Bill Bailey fans out there. Either that or he has been doing his ham/hamster/soul/soldier joke far too much recently. Six people in the last 2 days have found my blog by searching this phrase. Four of them this morning alone. Random. And it is, to date, the search that has been used the most to get to me. Hmmm. Was Bill Bailey doing stand up somewhere this weekend then? Is this the same person searching this term and forgetting they’ve already been to me, or is it six individuals?

Dudes, I’m sorry, I can’t shed any further light on the ham/hamster story. I don’t have footage of him saying it, and I’m sure I’m not remotely as amusing as he is. What exactly is it that you’re looking for?

Of course now I’ve probably doomed myself to even more hits. Hello Bill Bailey fans!

EDIT: Thanks to Le6o I can now offer you this:

Bill Bailey aside, I have just been to get a new mugshot passport photo. I don’t look terrible exactly, but I’m not sure I look well. I’m also terrifed of this whole passport application process. So many rules. What if I accidentally write in blue ink? What if I’m making the wrong face on my photo? Too much pressure. Which is why I have been putting it off for so long. I’m not thrilled about this photo being in my passport for the next ten years, though my last one is me at 16 in my sixth form uniform, grinning like an idiot (back when grinning was allowed on passport photos I guess). It might be an improvement. It might not.

A Conversation Between Two Geeks

I stopped by Max’s on my way home to pick up some more of my TV shows. Somehow, and I can’t remember why, but we got to talking about Star Trek. Now, back in the day, I was a huge Star Trek fan. Well, I still am I guess, but I don’t watch it like I used to, mainly because nothing good has come out of the franchise for a while. So, after a short conversation and quoting Picard saying ‘Engage’ etc, and me searching my ever addled brain for the name of Worf’s weapon of choice (a Bat’leth, in case you wondered), and Max asking if I know any Klingon (I don’t), Max decided to tell me a joke. Oh, and note, Max has never watched Star Trek.

M: Ok, so, Picard has got a sewing machine and it’s broken…
C: Why doesn’t he use the Replicator?
M: What’s a Replicator?
C: It can make anything you need.
M: He’s sewing
C: But if Picard needed a garment he would just go to the Replicator and say ‘Hey, Replicator, I would like a jumper’, and he would have it.
M: The Replicators are broken. So he takes the sewing machine to this guy…
C: Why wouldn’t he take it to Data?
M: Who’s Data?
C: A character on the show!
M: Data can’t fix it.
C: Data can fix anything! He’s an Android, he has a computer for a brain!
M: Big Sigh.
C: Now, if Picard was on another planet say, without Replicators or Data, then I could understand the need for a sewing machine. If you’d just put a little back story in, this joke would work much better.
M: Fine. He’s on Earth…
C: Not Earth. Earth in Star Trek is very advanced.
M: Fine! He’s in Wombwell*, they’re still very backwards there.
C: Silence.
M: He takes the sewing machine to a man to get it fixed. The man says ‘What do you want me to do with it?’ And Picard says, ‘Make it sew’.**
C: You know, that’s not a very good joke.

*My hometown
**Picard’s well known catchphrase is ‘Make it so’, in case you don’t know, often followed by ‘Number 1′, cos he was talking to Riker.

I Love QI

So I was a right grumpus after the whole invoice madness (which did eventually get sorted thank god), and my usual bus ride from hell. Plus, last night I taped the new episode of Who Do You Think You Are? and went to watch it when I got home, and yet for some reason I had taped 3 hours of Channel 4 morning television. How? How have I done this? I pressed record last night, but it has 8 am in the corner. I suppose I must have hit record when I thought I’d turned off my video this morning, but even then I don’t remember the channel being on 4. It is a serious mystery and I was bummed.

BUT!

Ah the salvation that is QI. There was one particular moment that inspired me to go to Youtube and find a video so I can watch again and again. The more I watch the more I laugh. It’s possible I am so tired and have passed my stress limit that I’ve gone hysterical, but I have tears in my eyes watching this:

And now I’m going to eat toast, drink tea, and watch the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal on Jonathan Ross. Not totally sure how he’ll interact with Jordan and Peter Andre, but we’ll see. At least I’m smiling now. Hee.

I got ham but I’m not a Hamster

Sunday I went to see some comedy at the Hammersmith Apollo.

I will attempt to say what cause it was about, seeing as I have the literature next to me, but if I get it a bit wrong, well…Russell Brand couldn’t get it either. Though that’s probably not something to be proud of, being like Russell Brand. Ok, so, this was ‘A seriously funny attempt to get the Serious Fraud Office in the dock!’ Right. It’s about Britain’s biggest arms company BAE paying bribes to a Saudi Prince, and the Serious Fraud Office (SFO, which, if I’m honest, sounds like it’s from a comedy sketch all on its own, but what do I know?) started an investigation and then Tony Blair said no, don’t so that, we don’t want to upset the Saudis, and this upset people who actually DO THINGS about injustice and they decided to hold a comedy benefit to raise money to take them to court.

So that’s the background, and I can feel all good about myself for giving money to a good cause but really enjoying myself lots. The line up included:

Simon Amstell – a person I disliked very much whenever I flicked onto Pop World, but which may have been because of my serious dislike for his pal Miquita Oliver and her short skirt shiny tights combo THAT JUST DO NOT SUIT HER!!! And who I have liked since he was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. He was very funny.

Ed Byrne – Funny but with such a thick Irish accent to begin with I couldn’t totally follow.

Omid Djalli, Robin Ince, Stewart Lee, Mark Steel, a young lass named Josie Long who was pretty good but made me feel nervous for her, Mark Thomas, the genius behind the show and again, chuckles were had.

Russell Brand, who again, I’m not much of a fan of, did have me in stitches, but I just can’t get my head around him. Why does he look like a badly dressed woman? Why does he have such a weird body shape that makes his pecs look like boobs? And those boots, really? Am at a loss. Ooh and Bill Bailey showed up as a surprise, and sang a song like the Killers ‘I got soul but I’m not a soldier’ which explains the title of this post.

And we had someone introducing and I’ve forgotten his name as he was a fill in, and he was Canadian and very nearly almost flashed his penis, I was a bit worried about his trousers for a minute. We did get to see his bum and I’m never totally impressed by comedians who resort to waving their arms around like a lunatic and flashing their bits, but he was all right and I liked his rendition of ‘I’m the only gay eskimo in my tribe.’

Two things annoyed me on my night of fun. Firstly, woman with 6 kids and a huge pram stops the bus just as the traffic lights are turning green. Takes an age to get on, doesn’t have any money on her Oyster card, has to pay cash, gets all her kids settled. The lights turn red, we sit for ages cos it’s road works. Lights turn green, we go round the corner, she lets out a groan. ‘We’ve got on the wrong bus’ (as if her children are somehow complicit in this), stops the bus, gets everyone off eventually. Why does this happen when you’re in a hurry?

Second, I got sat next to a guy at the comedy who was wearing slip on shoes and who liked to slip them off and then put his horrible bare foot dangerously near my leg. God I hate feet and a stranger’s feet even more so. Also he took over the arm rest and put his legs over on MY SIDE! And he kept talking to his mate. People like this should not be allowed out if they don’t know the rules.

Oh! And we went for Thai food, so no one is allowed to call me non-Adventurous ever again. Ner.

Also, I should not watch films like Freedom Writers as it just makes me want to become a teacher at an inner city school who inspires her class, which, let’s face it, would never happen