…Oh wait, wrong kind of moon.

Last night I went to see New Moon, because I am a not so secret Twilight lover. Well, not really, I take the piss out of it a lot, but I really enjoyed the first film…hmm, that sounds like I mean something else, but it was enjoyable in an unexpected way and I laughed a lot. This one had more awkward moments than laugh out loud ones sadly. Just why Bella and Edward need to make so much noise when they kiss is beyond me. I get it, you’re very passionate and Edward would also like to rip your throat out, but do it quietly, it’s just weird. The bits where Edward would pop up and tell her to stop being reckless were amusing though.

I will say that Taylor Lautner was not nearly as annoying as I thought he was going to be, his acting wasn’t as shoddy as last time. And the boy is ripped. But I did feel sorry for him as he spends most of the film in only shorts and is obviously freezing his ass off. That shaking he does when talking to Bella isn’t from heartbreak, it’s the frostbite settling into his nipples. I know that’s how he spends most of the book but jeez, get the kid a coat. (Also, how much of a tease is Bella, really? She very much uses Jacob and basically says ‘I am never going to want you, or choose you, but please don’t go anywhere and don’t stop liking me because if you do I will die’. It’s a really cruel thing to do to a person.) So I am still not quite Team Jacob (even though I was rooting for him in the books), but he wasn’t too bad. I’m not totally Team Edward though either. I am more Team Bella’s dad. Because I am getting old.

I thought the werewolf CGI was pretty lame, but the action bits toward the end were good. I liked the vampire chase and the Volturi fight. Actually I just liked the Volturi full stop. Michael Sheen was loving it, proper playing it up, and he was brilliant. Even Dakota Fanning was good in the tiny bit of screen time she was allowed. If they could cut out some of the loooooong broody bits and awkward ‘romantic’ moments it would be better. Twilight fans would riot, but you’d have a more enjoyable film.

Needs more: Action, Volturi, Wolf Pack, amusing side moments with Bella’s other friends, Cullens.

Needs less: Moping about and depression. I know I know, that’s all the book is about really, and I had a big problem with it there too. If, when I was eighteen, I had been waking up every night screaming and crying after nightmares and spent the days in a fog where I hardly talked and avoided all my friends, my mum would have stepped in and given me a good shake saying ‘OK kid, this stops now.’ After about a week. Bella’s dad lets it go on for what, three months? And then when he finally does say enough is enough she fobs him off with an ‘Oh yeah I am fine now dad I am going shopping tonight with my friend. See, all better!’ Ugh. It’s just stupid and a really bloody bad message to send. If you do not feel like killing yourself after your breakup then you weren’t really in love. But then I’ve never been a fan of Bella, she’s annoying to the nth degree and only becomes interesting towards the end of the last book, which is going to be interesting to see if they do make it into a film.

I’m not really sure what I was expecting when it came to this book. I had no idea what the story was about, other than possibly time travel, but whatever it was, it wasn’t what I got.

The basic gist is: Billy Pilgrim is an American soldier captured by the Germans during World War II and taken to a prison in Dresden. But he is not just in the prison, as he has become unstuck in time and so wanders about his timeline, both on Earth and on the planet Tralfamadore where he has been put on display with a human female for the entertainment of the Tralfamadorians. They have no concept of time as a linear thing, they see everything that has happened and will happen, they cannot change it, and so choose to dwell on the good things, rather than the bad. We also see a little of Billy’s life after the war, his marriage and children, his career and his death.

I haven’t really got much to say about the book to be honest. I didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t hate it. It’s pretty short but it took me a fair while to get through it, mainly because I had no inclination to pick it up and continue. I didn’t care about Billy, I wasn’t all that interested in what was happening, there’s no real urgency to the story because you mostly know what’s going to happen anyway. It’s an easy read in regards to the writing style, though somewhat annoying with the repetition of ‘So it goes’. Wiki tells me it appears one hundred and sixteen times. That’s about one hundred and fifteen times too many.

I think I’ll give up on the so-called ‘classics’ for a while, they’re all so damn heavy-handed and don’t speak to me at all.

“It’s hard being left behind…It’s hard to be the one who stays.”

There’s probably not a lot to say about Audrey Niffenegger’s debut that hasn’t already been said a million times all over the internet. It’s one of those books that, if I find out you haven’t read it, I think ‘Where the hell have you been?’ And even if you haven’t, you’ll know of it, you’ll have some idea of the story, because for a while it was everywhere. When I first read it I assumed everyone would feel the same way I did, that they would end the book with a lump in their throat and tears running down their face. They would love it, because what’s not to love?

Just in case anyone has been under a rock for an age, here’s the basic gist. Henry has chrono-displacement, a rare genetic disorder which means his genetic clock resets itself and he moves throughout time, usually at times when he is stressed or anxious. He has no control about when or where he ends up, but certain events have a pull for him, and so he end up there more than others. At age 28 he meets Clare for the first time. But Clare has known him since she was 6. He has been a part of her life since childhood, but he has no memory of her as it hasn’t happened for him yet. And so their love affair begins, told from both their perspectives but staying mainly in Clare’s timeline.

It is a beautiful love story, and Niffenegger has found an interesting way of keeping her lovers apart, to give them something to fight for, and against. Here it’s not really each other, their love is strong, it’s just time really isn’t on their side. I love that we get to see the story from both of them, hear both their voices in our heads. It really gives you a better understanding of their lives, and their love.

When Henry is gone, it can be for minutes or hours, or even days, and Clare is left behind to wait, not knowing if he will return in one piece. On this reading, the waiting is one thing I had problems with. I love Henry and Clare, I would give anything for a happy ending, but of course there can’t be one, not really. In a letter Henry writes, he asks her to live her life to the full, to stop waiting for him. In the next sentence, he tells her she will see him again, years later. So how can she stop waiting? And we don’t get any idea of her life after Henry. I want to think that she did move on, that she was successful and happy, that Henry had added to her life, not taken away. Because she doesn’t have any choice, even if she says she wouldn’t change it. She can’t change it. It has happened and so it will happen, in a loop, forever. Her whole life has been mapped out for her from being 6 years old, how could she even see anything else?

I guess heartbreak makes for the best love stories though, doesn’t it? I still adore it. I still think it’s an amazing book, beautifully written, to the point it seems effortless. It could easily have dissolved into a book that hurt your brain, where you spent more time trying to figure out who is what age and where, and how it all fits together, but instead you go with the flow, it’s all right there. It still stays with me after I’ve finished. And even though I don’t think I love it quite as unconditionally as I did on that first read, it’s still one I’m going to revisit again and again. It doesn’t matter if I know what’s coming, knowing the end isn’t the important part, it’s the getting there that counts.

Travelling by bus in London can often be an experience, and not a good one. There are times you’re left standing in the cold for far too long, only to finally see a bus in the distance and then have it rush right by you because it’s full to bursting (usually with smug people). The journey can be uncomfortable if you’re not lucky enough, or pushy enough, to get a seat. In the summer it’s too hot and in the winter it’s miserable and wet and cold. The drivers, for the most part, are grumpy/mean/seemingly go out of their way to kill you. They sit behind their little partitions and ignore you, or yell at you, or they throw you off for no reason, or change destination because someone in an office somewhere tells them to haul ass with their route. It’s infuriating as all hell.

But I get the bus everyday, because it is easier, because I get a seat on my morning journey as the bus starts at my stop and the idea of getting on the tube fills me with even more dread. At least here I can put on my music, read my book and shut out the world. A couple if times I have been injured by bad driving. Some drivers can’t seem to use the brakes correctly and speed about and then slam their foot down, sending passengers flying. The last time one did this my knees smashed into the seat in front of me and my kneecaps felt like they were on backwards.

This morning was even better than that, ending with having my face slammed into the driver’s partition window. Oh man. Ow!!!! The driver was rotten, he was grouchy and either stupid or deaf, because he yelled at people and ignored the ticket inspectors when they got on and told him to do stuff. He kept braking very sharply, I am assuming because he wasn’t totally paying attention, and the last time he did this I was getting off so stood at the front (but not too close because I am a good girl). He hit the brakes, a rather large chap behind me slammed into me, jarring my arm and making me lose my grip. I didn’t get either arm out in time and so my chin took the brunt of it. I yelled. A lot. Driver mumbles ‘Oh are you ok?’ No I am not fucking ok, my face nearly went through your window!! I’m wearing my specs today so am quite happy my chin took the worst of it.

My chin is feeling a bit better now, and although I have sent a complaint in to TFL, I can’t imagine they give a crap. They probably get reports about drivers everyday and ignore them.

My (relatively) new upstairs neighbours have got to be the most heavy footed people I have ever encountered. I think they are in fact elephants in disguise, by day they wear cleverly adapted human suits but come 10/11 pm (it is always around this time) they remove said suits and thunder about. Or they are serial killers luring poor unsuspecting people into their home and performing a nightly ritual, because a lot of the time it does sound like a body hitting the floor from a great height…not that I know what that sounds like really. But what can they be doing? Moving furniture, are they feng shui obsessives? Are they dancing? Because it cannot just be them walking about, it is crazy thuds constantly. I have met the woman once, and she’s a tiny wee person. so what gives?

For the past two weeks or so British Gas have been calling me regularly, sometimes two or three times a day. They don’t leave a message (I Googled the number so knew who it was) and since I had no real need to talk to them I have ignored them. I finally caved today and so we had this amusing conversation:

Very enthusiastic British Gas person: Hello Ms My-Last-Name! How are you today? I hope you are very well!
Me: I’m fine thanks.
BG: Good good. Have you got time to talk to me today?
Me: Not really no, I am at work.
BG: Not to worry I will call back another time.
Me: (Oh god no please don’t) Can you tell me what it’s about?
BG: Why yes I can! I was just hoping to let you know the ways in which you could save money by transferring to British Gas from your current provider.
Me: British Gas is my current provider.
BG: (Stunned silence for a few seconds) Oh…are you sure?
Me: Yes.
BG: Have you just switched over?
Me: No.
BG; Oh…how long have you been with us?
Me: Three years.
BG: Oh…right then. (Uncomfortable laugh) I will update your records. Have a lovely day!

Honestly.

Since there’s some sort of mini-series or programme coming out based on the Riverworld novels by Philip Jose Farmer, and I had never heard of them, I thought I’d give them a go. I was amused when the book I got from the library had come out of storage somewhere and had been checked out from 1979, two years before I was born. And those are just the dates I could see. I suppose it did come out in 1971.

The first book introduces us to a world where everyone who has ever lived awakens on the banks of a seemingly neverending river. They are naked and hairless, some wondering if this is a version of heaven or hell.  Richard Francis Burton (not to be confused with the other Richard Burton who, frankly, might have been more interesting, since I had in fact heard of him) wakes up before the others, and before they arrive on the riverbank, suspended in air and able to see bodies around him. He later suspects there is something more to his afterlife, and that they are being used. Initially he forms a group with others who woke up nearby. Some are based on real-life people – one is Alice Liddell, the inspiration for Alice in Wonderland – and throughout the book Burton encounters many people we are familiar with from history. They establish how to get food and build shelter, alliances are formed and couples pair off, but some are more curious about why they are here. Burton decides to travel the river to find its end, and seek answers. Unfotunately the journey is perilous as it seems most of those who have been reborn want to do nothing more than enslave others and have power. It is established that if you die within the Riverworld you are again reborn, but not in the same place. Burton uses this knowledge to speed up his search for the river’s end.

I have to say, I didn’t like Burton all that much. I am assuming I am not meant to seeing as he’s from the 19th century and has very different ideas on things than I do, but he is fairly annoying as characters go. The rest of the characters aren’t given much to do, other than converse with him and fill in some blanks. There’s not a lot of characterisation going on and women especially are sidelined as sex objects for the most part, in need of protection. I’ll take it is a sign of the times in which this was written. It’s not all that well written really, although it has an interesting concept. There’s a lot of action but not much time to get to know anyone, so it’s hard to care. There are far too many fights scenes that go on and on, and I just wasn’t interested. Things that could have done with more description are jumped over with a ‘one year later’ leap. I think Farmer must have had an end in sight and was just giddy to get to it.

I was also a bit bored by its insistance on giving great emphasis to the maths of just how many people there must be per square mile, how long the river must be and how long it will take him to reach the end if you divide it by this and times it by that and blah blah I just don’t care about numbers. I get it, the river is big. There are a lot of people. Let me inside their heads, make me ask questions, make this whole thing have some sort of point.

It’s a harsh world, one I would in no way want to live in, eternal life or no. What would be the point, I mean, there’s no TV… Eternity as a concept kind of freaks me out in general. What would you do for all that time? Here they don’t have to do anything, or seem to want to do anything, except stay alive. Everyone is fighting to survive in a world where you can’t die. There’s war and slavery and seemingly not a whole lot of good people about. Are we really such a mess? It would be nice to be able to root for someone, have any kind of hero, flawed or no, but there’s no real depth to anyone, or to the story itself really.

Having said that, I did kind of enjoy it. It’s a really easy read and I am intrigued enough by the larger story to see where it’s going. I’ll definitely read the second volume, and Mark Twain turns up (that’s another thing, could we have some people who aren’t at all famous? I’m sure it’s fun to have the whole of history at your disposal and create new lives for these well known people, but in the grand scheme of things surely there are more unknowns? Also, enough with the Nazis.)

This was a desperation read, picked up as I was about to get on a train and I’d finished my other book. Yeah, I’m sure you believe me.

The story takes place in Laguna Beach, California, where people have names like Ever Bloom, Damen Auguste and Haven. All I know about Laguna Beach is from, well, watching Laguna Beach, so maybe they do all have crazy names. Also, if this book is anything to go by, they drink a shit tonne of VitaminWater. Alyson Noel should be sponsored by them for the amount of time it’s mentioned.

Ever Bloom is the sole survivor of a car accident that kills her whole family. She goes to live with her mostly absent aunt who showers her with cash rather than time, but that can’t buy Ever happiness, or cred at her new school. Yep, Ever has gone from being a superficial blonde cheerleader with stacks of friends, to a ‘freak’. Since the accident she has become psychic, able to see auras and talk to dead people. Or one dead person rather, her little sister Riley. Ever spends her life in hoodies with her ipod earphones in, trying to drown out the world. She does have two friends though, of course also freaks, and all is so-so until Damen shows up and she has a niggling feeling they’ve met before. Haven calls dibs on the new hottie and gets pissed when he obviously only has eyes for Ever. So Haven joins a new crowd of wannabe vampires, putting her life in danger…what in the hell have I been reading here?

I’m probably going to unfairly compare this to Twilight, seeing as they’re both teen books that deal with folks who live forever. Here though it’s Ever who has psychic abilities that are switched off only in the presence of Damen (think Sookie Stackhouse’s fondness for hanging around vampires). I’d say Evermore is more tightly written, (less vomit-inducing descriptions of her lover’s marble-like abs) and the author has a better grasp of English so it’s a less painful read (for the most part, although someone should explain to her the difference between envelops and envelopes), but Twilight definitely has a more interesting story, and (remarkably) characters. Ever is boring. Damen is boring. The ‘chemistry’ between them is non-existent. There’s a lot of lazy writing techniques, and I was amused by her use of name-dropping to establish Damen’s immortality. You can tell he’s been around a while since he has Shakespeare’s autograph and has been painted by Picasso. Way to keep a low profile. And the story plods along until the end where there’s so much exposition I needed Giles to show up and sing his song. (Yeah, Buffy reference.) Much of it doesn’t make much sense or is explained thoroughly, but seeing as this is the first of six I guess she’ll get back to the important questions later.

I can imagine much of its intended audience will love it and have a new ‘meant to be’ couple to adore and obsess over, but I don’t think I’ll be rushing out to get the next book.

And now I need to go throw myself under a bus for being nice about Twilight.

All I did is marry him. You are the ones who gave him power.

Curtis Sittenfeld’s latest novel is a fictional account of a first lady, closely mirroring the life of Laura Bush. I possibly wouldn’t have picked this up had I realised, not being the greatest fan of old George, but it is an interesting read, following Alice Lindgren from childhood through to her life in the White House.

I don’t know much about Laura Bush, it must be said. I’m assuming that though she has been taken as Sittenfeld’s model, the majority of it is fictional. Of course, as Sittenfeld herself has said, she can’t know what conversations the couple have had throughout the years. Certain things are fact though, and are used as the basis of Alice’s life; that during her teens Laura Bush was responsible for the death of a classmate; that her husband had a problem with drugs and alcohol, and then found God; that he went on to be one of the most reviled presidents there has been.

It is the death of her classmate, and here her crush, that is the focus of the beginning of the book, and seen as the defining moment of her life. It leads to a relationship with the dead boy’s brother, an unwanted pregnancy and an abortion. Later, as a librarian, Alice meets Charlie Blackwell, the feckless son of good stock, meandering around his life and in search of his destiny. There are issues from the beginning, Charlie is a Republican, Alice a Democrat. His family appears disapproving of Alice, especially the mother, and they have very different personalities. But the attraction between the two is clear, and though Alice often has misgivings about his character and behaviour, she stays silent.

It is this silence that is the crux of the novel. How responsible is she for her husband’s behaviour, and his later presidency, as a wife, and a first lady? How much influence can she be expected to have? How much should she try to have, when she was not elected, and when they have such differing views?

Alice is very sympathetic, she’s intelligent and kind and you do wonder sometimes how she ended up with Charlie. Although it is a testament to Sittenfeld’s writing and character development that it never seems unbelievable. That Alice loves her husband dearly is never in doubt. But I am not sure I like her all that much. She goes through a lot, and does so with grace, but I wished quite often while reading that she would grow a spine, that she would speak up, stand up to her husband, put forward her views, tell him off, give him some guidance, anything, instead of staying quiet. She says more than once that she doesn’t have to explain herself to the media, or to the general public, that they don’t own her and knowing the truth herself is enough. And then she goes on to explain, and explain, why she has done the things she has. I lost some respect for her at this point.

For such a large book it is a very quick and easy read, and generally enjoyable and engaging. It does feel rather light and fluffy in parts of its portrayal, before becoming a little over long and tedious in others, and although I wouldn’t say Sittenfeld is an amazing writer, she does a decent enough job to make it worthwhile. It’s not a work that will sit with you afterwards, nor will it really give you any great insight into the Bush’s marriage or his presidency, but it might make you ask questions and look elsewhere for the answers.

So here’s a run down of the 10 books I liked the most out of my 60, and a few others I thought weren’t that great. They’re not in any particular order, and I cheat a little by including series not just individual books.

Ones I recommend

Last Night in Twisted River – John Irving

The Southern Vampire Mysteries – Charlaine Harris

The Girl in Times Square – Paullina Simons

The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

The Suspicions of Mr Whicher - Kate Summerscale

Cage of Stars – Jacquelyn Mitchard

Mudbound – Hillary Jordan

The Harper Connelly Mysteries – Charlaine Harris

Garden Spells – Sarah Addison Allen

Eleanor Rigby – Douglas Coupland

Ones I’d avoid

Her Fearful Symmetry – Audrey Niffenegger

The Secret Scripture – Sebastian Barry

The Thirteenth Tale – Diane Setterfield

The Other Hand – Chris Cleave

Blackberry Wine – Joanne Harris

Change of Heart – Jodi Picoult

Never Stop Looking – Sarah Jackman

The first Cannonball Read has come to an end. And I have failed. That’s the challenge to read 100 books in a year for those who don’t know. I have made it to 60, and though technically I have until the end of December, a) I’m so not going to make it and b) I want to take part in Cannonball Read II. So I am calling it. I will do better next year. The goal with this one is 52 books, which I think I’ll have no problem with. I’m still going to aim for 100 though.

If anyone is interested, the list of books is here, starting with the latest. I kind of like having a list of what I’ve read, even if the review part of it did become a bit of a pain in the arse (and led to me being called stupid more than once. I stand by my opinion of Catch-22. So there). I shall continue on. I may do a top/bottom ten list at some point.