‘So here’s the part where you make a choice.’
Buffy makes it sound so easy, doesn’t she? Granted it was a choice between mediocrity and super powers, which is basically a no-brainer, but you know, choices are hard. I used to know exactly what I wanted, but that all ended when I left university, looked around and thought ‘Shit, now what am I going to do?’ I don’t think I’m the only one who did that. I kept thinking during my three years of learning that I would have a Eureka moment, the light bulb would flash on, I would figure it out. ‘Of course, I’m meant to be a…’ Fill in the blank.
Yeah, that moment didn’t come. It still hasn’t. Boo and hiss to the universe. However, by the very fact that I’m standing still, I’m making a choice, aren’t I? I’m choosing to be here, I’m choosing playing it safe rather than taking a risk, just because I don’t know how it’ll turn out. Actually, it’s more than that. It used to be I knew exactly what I wanted, and would do what was needed to get it. Now, I don’t know what I want. Not a clue. No friggin idea. Not where I want to be, or what I want to do, and it’s the not knowing that’s killing me. If I had even a remote inkling of something that would make my life feel better, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don’t.
I keep hearing this little gem floating around too; If you don’t like your life, change it. I agree this is very good advice, but…
HOW?? I swear I would if I knew how. I blame the sheer number of choices at my disposal. Used to be I’d get married and pop out some babies and resent my husband. Now I get to choose what I want to do with my life, I get to decide. Brilliant! Look at the progress. Sadly I am doing a sucky job. I have no great passion, there’s nothing calling my name. I figure these are some of my choices right now:
• Continue on my current career path, stay in publishing until I am uber successful. Which, ok, I could do that. I love books and reading. Not totally sure how I ended up in marketing, also not totally sure I am all that good at it, but it’s a possible course.
• Go back to university. Do a masters or course in something. Try a completely new direction. This is slightly appealing in that I loved university and not being at work for a while would be lovely, but again it has its downsides. I don’t know what I’d study. I don’t know whether it would be beneficial to any future career, and it’s a lot of money to spend on something when you’re not one hundred per cent committed.
• Jack it all in and go travelling/teach/volunteer abroad. Hmm. The travelling is tempting, though I’d have to do it alone, but I have the feeling I’d be in the exact same place mentally when I returned as I am now, only with less money.
• Get knocked up, get a council house and live on the dole.
Ok, so that last one is not exactly serious. But you get the idea. Not one of those choices has me going ‘ding ding ding! That’s it, that’s the one!’
I am not unhappy, not most days I mean, as we all have our moments, but as far as misery is concerned, I’m not there. I’m just coasting along, my life is ok, I have friends, a decent job and a nice place to live, people should be so lucky. But I have had these same things now for three years and counting (bar a little hiccup or two in the middle) and that feels wrong. I have made no progress with my life. But I also don’t know what kind of progress I’m supposed to be making.
It comes down to this: I want to be happy. Really really happy with my lot. I want to go to work everyday and be excited about the job I’m doing. I want to live in a place I feel comfortable. I want to be able to see my friends on a regular basis. I want to feel inspired.
I guess I’m still waiting for that epiphany moment, where it all falls into place and becomes clear. When I know what I want and how to get it. But I don’t know if it’s going to happen anytime soon.
So how do you get what you want, when you don’t know what you want?
